Unloading

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I have cried every day for two years. Sometimes it’s just a tear or two in the shower or at my desk, so quiet and fleeting that I barely register it anymore. Other times it is hysterical or heaving sobs that can last for hours: the kind that take over your whole body and leave you physically exhausted. I didn’t know it was possible to cry this much or to feel this sad. The thing is, I need somewhere to put some of this grief and I hope you don’t mind if I put it here because if I keep it inside any longer I think I might break.

In the last eighteen months I have endured four heartbreaking rounds of IVF. It’s been a whirlwind of treatment – we did the first three rounds in the space of just nine months. Self preservation has left me with very little memory of the treatment itself, save the trauma of emergency surgery due to side effects of the second round: a physical pain that I will never forget as long as I live. But it’s the emotional pain that has cut me so deep that I don’t think I will ever heal.

Friends of mine may read this and not even know I’ve been having treatment because when we started the first round I couldn’t even imagine that eighteen months later we would still be fighting this lonely battle and the last thing I wanted to do was to put pressure on myself, having to deal with everyone’s questions and expectations. However, to continue to keep it a secret is to make the isolation of fertility treatment even worse. The only way I can describe IVF is that it feels like taking the most important exam of your life and having to open that dreaded envelope that holds the results over and over again. On day 9 of treatment you find out how many follicles there are (last time I had around 20), day 12 the number of eggs (18) and the number of healthy sperm and then you wait, physically shaking, for the call the next morning to find out how many eggs have fertilised overnight (5). Finally on day 17 of treatment you find out how many embryos have continued to develop normally (3) and the chosen embryo then has a 45% chance of implanting in to the womb. A horrible numbers game that I don’t want to play anymore.

There is nothing that comforts me or anything that can be said to help me feel more positive. I had the briefest moment of hope in our last round, which has been the most successful as we managed to make three blastocysts (five day old well developed embryos that have a higher chance of implanting once they are transferred back into the womb – they transferred one and froze the other two). I dared to hope, such a very dangerous thing to do, that the embryo that they transferred back could be our baby. After the embryo transfer there is a two week wait until the pregnancy test but I started bleeding after only four days: I didn’t even have two week’s worth of hope. I don’t think I will let myself hope again.

We do have two frozen embryos that we will use for our fifth and sixth round of IVF, a much easier process than doing full ‘fresh’ rounds, at least. I don’t think it will work, I don’t see myself with children in my future anymore, but better to try than leave those little embryos alone in that freezer.

This may all sound over dramatic to some or even alienate others, but before that day when the doctor told us that we would never conceive naturally and my head spun in disbelief and I thought I was going to vomit, I had no idea how profoundly infertility can affect ones life. I have often felt guilty talking or crying about it to friends as though it is the end of the world as I am fully aware that there are tougher obstacles being faced by people the world over. However, the pain that I am feeling is very real to me and selfishly I feel the need to share some of it as my own inner monologue is beginning to drive me mad. My life has stopped moving forward since IVF and I think it has changed me as a person: I feel defined and crushed from the inside out by the desperate need for a baby and I wear a big fake smile to cover up the pain and to make getting through each pointless day easier. Forgive me this self-pitying out pouring; today, the tears won’t stop and this was the only thing I could think to do to try to make myself feel better.

Katy x

 

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76 Comments

  1. Victoria Jackson 2nd November 2015 / 7:59 pm

    Katy, your words are familiar to my ears. My sister and her husband were told there was a 99 per cent chance they wouldn’t have children, five years and trying and three failed rounds of IVF later, they gave up on the plan to have children in their lives. They were both broken, the one thing they were desperate for and there was nothing they could do to control the situation. My sister would feel resentful then guilty when yet another friend announced she was pregnant. They just had to accept it wasn’t going to happen. They tried to carry on with their everyday lives, took away the stress IVF was having on not only my sisters body and mind, but her husbands too. Then six months later, she fell pregnant. No IVF. For 9 months we didn’t even really talk about the baby insider incase we tempted fate and it was lost. But Matilda came into the world and I’m not a religious person, but that was a little miracle right there. I don’t want you to give up hope, that’s all I wanted to say. Please don’t give up believing that it could happen. Victoria xx

  2. Izabella 2nd November 2015 / 8:11 pm

    Dear Katy,
    I recognized myself in this post so much.
    I’ve tried to get pregnant since 2011 and thought that it was an easy task. But I was wrong… I had a miscarriage back in 2013 and in the beginning of 2015 me I and my husband tried a intrauterine insemination (IUI) but we had no positive result.
    Two months later I tried a different treatment: acupuncture + Chinese herbs (Jia Wei Xiao Yao Wan – 7 pills 3x day) and in the next month I was pregnant!
    When we start a treatment like this we just focus on the positive result and forget about everything that can be bad – our emotional side just gets crazy.
    Maybe you can try acupuncture or another alternative treatment to help you.
    I just say you two things: Never stop believing (You have to believe always and never lose faith) and everything happens in the right time.
    Wish you the best and lots of hugs!

  3. Jeska 2nd November 2015 / 8:15 pm

    I just want to zoom back up to your place and hug you, I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I was holding back the tears reading this post. You are not alone, but I know there is small comfort in that knowledge. I also know there is not much I can do to help, but anything you need just ask my lovely, anything at all x

  4. Jeska 2nd November 2015 / 8:17 pm

    Just had a vision that my ridiculous profile pic all teeth smiling back at you might stop the churning feeling for a second 😉 sending more hugs xxx

  5. Lynne 2nd November 2015 / 9:27 pm

    Oh Katy! So heartbreaking for you both. How open and brave of you to share, and anything but selfish. There are many ways through this life, your days may seem pointless now but no matter what happens, or what shape a family takes for you, they most definitely are not. xo

  6. Agnes 2nd November 2015 / 9:28 pm

    Love you. Xx

  7. Rachel @ The Ordinary Lovely 2nd November 2015 / 9:38 pm

    Oh Katy, I know that hopeless, sick feeling. It consumes you. How thoroughly awful for you to be going through this. I’m so sorry. A few years ago, I was told that there was slim to no chance of me being able to conceive. It’s so hard to get your head around. That the life you picture for yourself might not be achievable. And it feels like there’s absolutely nothing you can do. Talk about it, write about it, do whatever it takes to get your head around it. Huge, huge hugs xx

  8. Nicola 2nd November 2015 / 10:00 pm

    I’ve never commented here before, but couldn’t not. You are not alone. We have been trying for years, I was dismissed by my GP so many times and when I finally got to see the specialist she told me I’m running out of time due to 2 major problems. Now I’m on a waiting list again. I feel total despair. I recognise the heaving sobs and tears. I’m so sorry you are going through this too. Xxx

  9. Joanne 2nd November 2015 / 10:13 pm

    Sending you much love and the biggest hug. Be kind to yourselves. Xxxx

  10. Sophs 2nd November 2015 / 10:42 pm

    Love you in my heart (as me tumnus would say) we all love you im our hearts our very very special katy xx Sophs

  11. Louisa 3rd November 2015 / 4:34 am

    I’ve been there. Nothing but a baby can make you feel better, no matter how well-intentioned people are. My life was on hold and I began resenting everyone around me with children or those who were pregnant. I can say nothing to make you feel better but with two blastocysts you are in a very good place. I know the odds. I’m a cancer survivor with less than a 3% chance of having a baby. After numerous failed rounds of IUIs and IVF, I had twins and then a natural pregnancy. I don’t want to give you false hope or tell you it will be fine, because nobody knows. Just know you aren’t alone. x

  12. Caroline rowland 3rd November 2015 / 8:11 am

    Hi katy, can’t stop thinking of u since I read this. Good on u for sharing, sometimes just writing ur feelings down can really help, and I’m sure there’s others in the same situation that ur words might help too. I’m keeping everything crossed for u & those frozen embryos. Lots of love x x x

  13. Cristina 3rd November 2015 / 8:18 am

    There are no words…just sending you lots of love ❤️ Big hug xx

  14. Leanne 3rd November 2015 / 8:36 am

    Sending you so much love; I’m so sorry. You’re in my thoughts and well done on you for opening up and talking about it. Big big hugs xxx

  15. Julia 3rd November 2015 / 9:03 am

    Katy this is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry for the grief you must feel. Long story not often repeated but the 7 year gap between Ed and Anna nearly killed me and I was blessed enough to have two children already. By which I mean if I felt that pain I can’t begin to imagine yours, but I do believe sharing it can be a huge step in coming to terms with such an unfair situation. So I’ll send you a virtual hug and keep every single thing crossed for your next rounds, and in the meantime I’ll be hoping you can find a way through this xx

  16. Rida Mair Suleri-Johnson 3rd November 2015 / 9:21 am

    My love,
    You’ve done the right thing by sharing and not keeping it in any longer.
    It’s so isolating and such a massive load for you to keep to yourself. It isn’t fair on you and like you say, inner monologue can be so dangerous.
    Sometimes an outpouring/sharing can be so helpful. Not only cathartic for you to let go some of that burden but also because you’ll find that you aren’t alone.
    I feel that in these situations, we can make ourselves feel as if we are the only people in the world and some kind of anomaly. It seems such an obvious and silly thing to say in a way but until you’ve held it all in and then released, you’ll understand actually what a huge thing that can be.
    I don’t know how to help but want you to know that you will get through this, you will have a baby. Maybe not in the way you initially wanted or thought or how some people find so easy but I am sure it can happen.
    If you decide that it’s something you couldn’t continue with then I’m sure you are strong enough to make peace with that.
    You are being so so brave and strong by sharing this painful part of your life.
    I want to send you all the sticky dust, love, hugs and peace. And please know, it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to mourn those babies.
    If there’s anything I can do to help in any way please just shout.
    I can’t help but think of when I met you earlier this year and how you hid your pain then. Two years is ever such a long time my love, to keep it all in.
    Join Facebook groups for women in a similar position. It can help so much to talk it out with others who can truly understand and how they got/are getting through it.
    All my love and sorry for a Mish mash ramble xxxxxxx

  17. claireabellemakes 3rd November 2015 / 10:16 am

    I think you are really brave Katy. You will be in my thoughts from now on xx

  18. Jane Day 3rd November 2015 / 10:44 am

    Oh darling Katy, I am sat typing this in tears as life can be so cruel sometimes. Nothing I could possibly say will take the hurt away but hopefully all our love and friendships will create a small warm glow even if fleeting. Thinking about you lovely lovely lady xxx

  19. Jen 3rd November 2015 / 11:32 am

    Oh Katy, I obviously had no idea. Life is definitely cruel and you are very brave to share this. Sending lots of virtual hugs and so sorry that you are having to go through this xxxx

  20. Michelle 3rd November 2015 / 11:45 am

    Katy, I’m very sorry that you’re going through this. I can only hope that all the hugs we’re sending will let you know you are not all alone.

  21. Louise 3rd November 2015 / 12:04 pm

    I am so sad to read this. It is a brave thing to do to open up like that, and I hope that it provides a little relief. I know that there are no words that can help you feel better, but I still wish it for you. Just keep on moving forward.

  22. Hannah 3rd November 2015 / 12:05 pm

    What a brave lady you are, Katy. To pour your heart out on paper is the best thing to do – knowing that you are not alone and that others feel your pain. My brother went missing nearly 13 years ago and the only way I’ve coped is by being able to write about him and how I’m feeling. Bottling everything up never helps, and your negative emotions impact on your body. I went through a year of trying to conceive and that was bad enough, so I can’t imagine what you’re feeling… but I got a puppy (which diverted my attention) and found I was pregnant almost straight away.
    All too much of a ramble, but just to let you know that I’m thinking of you and hope you will get your wish soon – think positive and never give up hope (I don’t). xx

  23. Jess 3rd November 2015 / 12:25 pm

    Heartbreaking…you share your story so beautifully and honestly Katy, & the warmth is incredible; cannot fail to feel the huge communal hug we’re all embracing you with. Thank you for offering us such a sacred piece of your heart…it shows what an incredibly safe space you have created, here in blogsville. It’s inspiring x Hoping only good things for you…I too have tales of friends, but you’re on your own incredibly perfect journey. Yes, perfect. It may not be what you thought would be perfect, but it WILL turn out perfectly…promise. Lots of love x

  24. Elizabeth 3rd November 2015 / 12:52 pm

    Such a moving post Katy, hoping your pain will ease soon. Elizabeth xo

  25. Lucy 3rd November 2015 / 1:56 pm

    I have such an aching heart for you. Such an emotional thing and such an awful process. So glad that you shared. You shouldn’t go through things like this on your own. I hope one day a little one will be lucky enough to have you as a family. Take care.

  26. Bobbi 3rd November 2015 / 2:33 pm

    So very sorry for your pain & losses…Hugs.

  27. Bobbi 3rd November 2015 / 2:43 pm

    By you being able to share this, maybe it will ease the horrible stress on you, & then you can begin to heal. A good environment for a baby to grow. Be very kind & loving & patient to your amazing self.

  28. Cate 3rd November 2015 / 4:08 pm

    I was really touched by this. I think the blog/instagram world can sometimes be too concerned with appearances and show only the ‘pretty’ stuff, it’s refreshing to read something so raw and honest, thank you. I don’t think I can say anything that will make you feel much better, but go and give Otto a big hug, I’m sure his cheeky face and waggy tail will make you smile a little bit 🙂 xxx

  29. Amy 3rd November 2015 / 5:47 pm

    Very proud of you my brave sister. Love you always xx

  30. Tamsyn 3rd November 2015 / 6:01 pm

    Dear Katy…I’m so, so, sorry that you are going through this, I don’t what to say, my heart is breaking for you…I know nothing anyone can say can take the pain away, but please know that I am thinking of you both and sending love and hugs your way xxx Tamsyn

  31. Carole 3rd November 2015 / 8:32 pm

    Oh Katy, I obviously had absolutely NO idea about what you’re going through, I’m so sorry to hear about it all. There’s not much I can offer you in the way of help, but to be here for you should you ever need me. xo

  32. Katharine Peachey 3rd November 2015 / 8:58 pm

    There’s nothing self-pitying or dramatic about this, just an honest outpouring that makes me cry with you, my love. Such a brave and powerful post. Love you so much xx

  33. Emily 3rd November 2015 / 9:34 pm

    I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult, heartbreaking and all consuming this must be for you. I hope that sharing here will help it to be less consuming in some way. I do find when I shared the difficult stuff on my blog, I feel lifted somehow. By acknowledging how we feel, it becomes easier somehow. For many reasons I think you are being very brave and strong. I am keeping everything crossed that children are in your future, one way or another. xxx

  34. Han 3rd November 2015 / 9:38 pm

    You’re the bravest person I know, always have been. You’re never alone xx

  35. Lou Archell 3rd November 2015 / 9:44 pm

    Oh Katy. Yo are a beautiful brave wonderful woman. I cannot begin to understand what have been through / are going through. I just want you offer love and hugs and wish you much strength. Xxx

  36. Shelley 3rd November 2015 / 9:50 pm

    Katy, this is such a brave post. Keep writing about it, and keep releasing it. You are not alone. And you might not feel very brave right now, but you are going to be just fine. Your readers are always here for you. Let us know how you’re doing x

  37. Sarah 3rd November 2015 / 9:52 pm

    My dearest Katy,

    It is with such a full heart that I have read this and somehow try to construct my thoughts into something coherent. I know that nothing I can possibly say is going to erase the grief and sadness that you feel but I just want to implore you to lean on those who can support you, we are all here to help and soothe in any way we can and ultimately we collectively want to see you happy and flourishing.

    Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart, I hope you begin to feel the overwhelming love and support of this community and your spirits lift somewhat. Sending all the love I have Katy,

    Sarah xxx

  38. anne-marie mackin 3rd November 2015 / 9:57 pm

    Katy. I had suspected from things you had written that this what was going on for you. I am so very sorry and wish you both all the best. There is nothing really that can be said that will help.

    Anne-Marie

  39. Catherine 3rd November 2015 / 9:57 pm

    Oh Katy you are incredibly brave to share this, I wish there were the words to make this better… Sending lots of love and hoping on your behalf that this will happen for you xxx

  40. Sheila 3rd November 2015 / 9:58 pm

    I understand. I really do. I am praying and I will continue to do so. Just under 2 years ago, my kids were going through the same thing. I now have a one year old baby granddaughter and a one week old baby daughter (the latest one was a shocking surprise to everyone)!! Miracles happen. I’m praying for one for you too. No matter what, you’ll be okay.

    xoxo

  41. mummyofboygirltwins 3rd November 2015 / 10:04 pm

    I’m so sorry. I really am. I feel heartbroken for you. And I could have written this just over 3 years ago. We had 5 years of trying, which included one miscarriage and x3 rounds of IVF. It almost broke me too. I lost friends and I became quite depressed. I’m not sure hubby and I could have carried on. I did get my dream babies on the third round, and I’m very lucky. I hope you find strength to carry on but I know the pain you feel. It hurts so much. Big hugs and love. Jess xxxx

  42. Allison Sadler 3rd November 2015 / 10:07 pm

    Aww Katy… this is such a brave and beautiful post, well done for putting it out there and setting a little bit of your pain free… it’s so good to talk and share the toughest parts of life, then at least we can all be here for you, for chats, hugs, flowers… whatever you need that soothes some of the sadness. Big love to you lovely lady, Allison x x x

  43. Farah 3rd November 2015 / 10:12 pm

    Wishing I could on a tube, come and see you and give you flowers (because we don’t do hugs). Sending you love always.
    Farah xxx

  44. Lowri 3rd November 2015 / 10:15 pm

    Katy, I am just so sorry to read this. I hope sharing today has helped you in some way and that the comments and love expressed here have touched your heart. Sending lots of love your way beautiful, strong, brave lady. X

  45. Marta 3rd November 2015 / 10:18 pm

    Hi there. I don’t want to give you false hope but I also couldn’t help but sharing my story. I went through over 8 IVF cycles…I stopped counting after a while.. Exhausting physically and emotionally and way too expensive… I always had a lot less eggs…hardly any made it to decent quality embryos…and only ever had 1 left to transfer…and to no avail…But finally one of those last IVF cycles worked and we had our son. Afterwards, we again tried several rounds of IVF again hoping for another baby, but several failed cycles later we decided to stop trying, only to get pregnant naturally a year later. Everyone is different, I know, but all I can say is that it eventually worked for us. It was several years of failed treatments, lots of tears, financial stress as we went private in London, and as you, I never told anyone. I hope you can manage to put the pain and stress aside and who knows what will happen. Remain hopeful. I wish you all the best xoxo

  46. Sharon 3rd November 2015 / 10:26 pm

    Dear Katy
    I have a friend who struggled with infertility and failed IVF for 8 years. Recently they decided to adopt and completed all the paperwork and tests. Then a miracle – she fell pregnant and baby Isabel was born yesterday at 39 weeks.
    What I want you to know is that miracles do still happen. I’ll pray that you get yours xxx

  47. Xanthe 3rd November 2015 / 10:46 pm

    I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been going through this. Please know you’re not alone. Sending you loads of love xxx

  48. Leila 4th November 2015 / 12:02 am

    Dare to dream. Love to you xxx

  49. June Anderson 4th November 2015 / 4:36 am

    Dear Katy, I’m so sorry for this hurt you are going through. I wish you strength in this difficult time. How wonderful that you have this lovely blogging community to wrap their hearts around your hurts and carry you through. Best Regards.

  50. Julia @ Rainbeabelle 4th November 2015 / 6:36 am

    I’m so sorry to read this, I just want to send love and support, I never had IVF but I do know about grief and it is incredibly hard. I’m sure so many can relate to what you’ve written, and you get strength from it xx

  51. Katie 4th November 2015 / 6:48 am

    You are so brave sharing all this. So heart-breaking, but don’t give up… I hope you draw strength from all the positive comments in this community.
    I have a friend who went through 9 attempts before being successful; and she did loads of research, and was successful in spite of everything. If you are interested I will pass on her details….

  52. Lou 4th November 2015 / 8:56 am

    Hi Katy, I just wanted to reach out and thank you for your bravery in sharing this with your readers.
    It is so hard for women to feel heard when it comes to matters of infertility, there’s so much guilt and mixed emotions entwined with it and unfortunately it does make some people feel uncomfortable when you do try and talk openly about how you’re feeling.
    What you’ve done is start a dialogue, where you and other women all feel safe enough to talk and offer each other solace.
    I have had 4 miscarriages in the last 2 years and I totally understand where you’re coming from when you say it’s been the loneliest 2 years.
    I too don’t know how much more my heart can take somedays but I have woken up this morning feeling a bit less lonely after reading your beautifully honest post and all the brave women who have commented and spoken about their own struggles.
    So thank you so much Katy, you’re such a wonderful lady. You will get your happy.
    Sending you so much love and light, Lou xxx

  53. Charlotte 4th November 2015 / 9:35 am

    Ahh Katy this breaks my heart. You’re so wonderful and brave for sharing.

    Sending you lots of love xx

  54. Tia 4th November 2015 / 1:21 pm

    I’m sat here sobbing my stupid eyes out. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As some above have said, sometimes when you stop putting so much pressure on yourself and trying so hard, it happens out of the blue. I’ve had two lots of friends who had that happen. Such big love to you guys, what a shitty thing to be going through xx

  55. Catriona 4th November 2015 / 2:19 pm

    Hi Katy, much like the others who have commented, my heart breaks for you. My partner and I have been unofficially trying for nearly two years now and I’m so scared of what that means for us going forward. Your heartbreak and anguish will always feel lonely, but please be assured that you are not alone!

  56. Heather 4th November 2015 / 4:06 pm

    It’s so wonderful to read through these comments – what a fantastic, supportive community. I hope that sharing your pain has provided you with some relief. Sending buckets of love and a shoulder whenever you need it x

  57. Jan 4th November 2015 / 6:02 pm

    Oh Katy, what can I possibly say, except that I know of three close friends who ha e taken the IVF road, and the heartaches that accompany it. The brave face you put forward will help you through the pain as it keeps you focusing forward, instead of becoming lost in loneliness. My heart goes out to you and your husband, you are most definately not alone. Hugs and positive thoughts coming your way. xx

  58. Keda 4th November 2015 / 6:17 pm

    Katy, this broke my heart to read. Trying to find the words to reply to this post is almost impossible, because there are no words that will do justice to the pain you are feeling. I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing. When I was going through IVF I wasn’t brave enough to put my story out there but I appreciated more than anything those who did. The knowledge that I wasn’t alone was the only thing that kept me sane sometimes. Sending you huge virtual hugs and thinking of you.x

  59. Rita 4th November 2015 / 8:17 pm

    I just want to say that you are not being overly dramatic. Anything that changes your sense of self is profound, and infertility sure does that. Even after I finally had IVF babies (after 4 failed rounds, including miscarriage), the experience didn’t end. Having the babies was wonderful and I’m more grateful than I can express, but it didn’t erase the earlier pain or take away the ways in which it changed me. You’ve experienced a tremendous loss (a sureness about life), and you have every right to grieve. In fact, you need to, so that you can assimilate those changes and move forward a stronger person. Sending you wishes for comfort, grace, strength, and people in your life who will support you.

  60. Anon 4th November 2015 / 11:11 pm

    Katy,

    I’ve never met you but I enjoy your blog. It’s so easy to present a shiny version of life and it often seems like every other blog post is a blogger announcing that they are pregnant. I have a friend who went through a similar situation to you and has written wonderfully about it at http://saltwaterandhoney.org/ Personally, we’re just starting down the route of looking at future options but are lucky enough that it isn’t hurting. Yet.

  61. Julia 5th November 2015 / 11:50 am

    Hi katy, it’s obviously been many years since last saw you, but I wanted to send you a huge hug. Your eloquent words have literally had me in tears, and made me realise to never ever take what I have for granted and after a hard day with my boys made me realise just how lucky I am. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through, life can be very unfair.
    Please never give up hope, miracles can and do happen!
    Xxxxxx

  62. Mary 5th November 2015 / 12:40 pm

    dear Katy, so sorry to hear about your sadness, truly hope that things will work out for & while it may not be the traditional family you expected, am sure that you & Jules are destined to build your own loving family unit in the future. much love xxx

  63. Sam 5th November 2015 / 1:08 pm

    Hi Katy,

    Don’t give up, but maybe broaden your thoughts. My friend lost ten babies through IVF, all their life savings and 8 years of torture. Eventually, they used a donor egg from one of her friends and now, through a lot of heartache they have a lovely little 18 month old boy. Don’t give up. x

  64. Fran 5th November 2015 / 6:57 pm

    Dear Katy
    How brave you have been and cannot begin to imagine your sadness. Truly wishing you all the very best and a resolution to your desires. I will never take my children for granted again x

  65. Sharon Gibson 5th November 2015 / 7:36 pm

    Bless you Katy. Don’t feel bad about crying, kick and scream if you have to, let it go don’t bottle feelings. Try and do nice things, be kind to yourself and your partner. Big blogger hugs for you both, take care. X Sharon

  66. Sarah Ford 6th November 2015 / 3:41 pm

    I cant even begin to try and imagine what you have been, and are going through. My heart and positive, healing thoughts go out to you both.

  67. Florence 6th November 2015 / 6:35 pm

    Reading your post makes my heart ache for you, Katy. I feel so sad for you that you’ve had so much pain and longing over the last few years – it’s desperately unfair.

    Sending much love to you and Jules and all my wishes that the magic will happen for you – don’t give up. xxx

  68. Helen 9th November 2015 / 2:49 pm

    Katy, there is nothing selfish about sharing this.

    Sharing grief and pain is as vital and human as sharing good news, and we don’t think twice about that.

    I’ve bottled up my own grief to the point where I could barely function, to the detriment of relationships and friendships and my own emotional/mental health. I always thought that stoicism was the best way of coping, but I was very, very wrong. It’s not enough to just keep on keeping on.

    Just talking to one person, and crying on them until I thought I’d never stop, felt like a boulder of relief had been lifted from my chest, and I urge you do the same as often as you need.

    Surrounding yourself with the amazing love, kindness, kinship and friendship that you have in your life is the only way to process and cope with something like this, and I really hope you can take comfort in this. It can’t always heal, but it is palliative.

    Sending armfuls and armfuls of love and the warmest, most positive wishes from the North.

    Helen x

  69. Sarah-Lou 10th November 2015 / 8:06 pm

    Dearest Katy, there is no drama or self-pity in your beautiful writing, just honesty & bravery. No words can aid or take away your pain & sadness, but I am thankful to have you in my world. Sending love with a squeeze always x

  70. a touch of domesticity / katie sparrow 12th November 2015 / 8:11 pm

    Oh Katy. I’m so glad you shared this. Reading your blog, I never had any idea of what you were going through but I did feel like there was something missing, something of you, and now I know what it was. Sharing it has brought you so many kind comments, so many virtual hugs, and I hope that has helped you. It must be so awful to deal with. We have three boys and it took a year to conceive our 2nd – hardly anything compared to your story and those of many of your commenters. But as each month’s disappointment hit I remember how all-consuming it became, how grief stricken I felt with the loss of that potential child time after time. If I multiply that by a hundred I might have some idea of what you’re going through, and if I could do anything at all to help I would. Hopefully, as I said, sending another virtual hug your way will do something, even though it’s something small. Good luck and all the best. xx

  71. Rachel 13th November 2015 / 6:55 pm

    So sorry to read that you’ve been going through this. Sadly I know the feeling only too well. It is so, so hard. Expressing yourself is definitely a good move though and I admire the fact that you’ve done so through your blog. I know you don’t know me well, but am happy to chat any time if you need it. Take care and look after yourself. xx

  72. Jo 19th November 2015 / 8:55 pm

    Dear Katy,

    I have just stumbled across your website and this post caught my eye. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 2 years with no luck. I had an awful painful period today (just to add insult to injury!) and felt really quite low. I never normally comment on blog posts but just wanted to thank you for writing this brave post because infertility can be a very unfair, heartbreaking and lonely business. It really does help to hear other people’s stories, yours and other people’s comments. I don’t know what the future holds for us and to be honest I don’t think I could cope with IVF. I’m just going to wait and see what happens for now. I hope somehow you find some peace in your heart and some freedom from what can be relentless stress and disappointment. Best and warm wishes.

  73. Barbara 26th November 2015 / 11:57 am

    Dear Katy,
    I’ve recently come across your blog which I love – full of your creativity and talent – and then I read this post and wanted to reply, although a little while after.
    I am so sorry that you are in an awful, horrible and painful place, where emotions, mind and body feel unhinged. Anyone who has been in a similar place recognises the despair and desperation that creeps up and up, until you feel that you are reaching the edge of craziness.
    I hope that you have some time to recover from the last and very stressful months.
    I also want to offer you a different perspective, from which to view the long and painful journey that the emotions take as they face this.
    When you have dared to dream, over the last eighteen months, it may be that you have imagined yourself holding an amazing, miraculous new life in your arms, overwhelmed by feelings of love and joy.
    This is the dream that your mother once had. And you are the amazing, miraculous new life that she held in her arms, feeling joy and love.
    So in your darkest moments, remember that you are loved, just for being you, by your parents and all your nearest and dearest. And loved by us, your readers, just for being you. And for being brave each day. And for sharing your creative talent so beautifully with us.

  74. Sarah K 5th December 2015 / 3:03 pm

    Have only just read this – when you posted I was deep in my own pit of grief (different reason). The only time I have ever felt this bad before was after my miscarriage in 2009. So much love to you beautiful girl. the only thing I think is that it is good to share this because going through it without anyone knowing is probably worse. But mainly just love to you xxxxxx

  75. Ale 8th April 2016 / 10:37 am

    You are very brave for sharing this. I know this can help so many women who are experiencing the same terrible situation as you are. I just wanted to share with you that a relative was told by a doctor that she wasn’t able to get pregnant. It was devastating for them. But then she got pregnant three times naturally and they have three children. And I know at least three more people with similar stories as yours. You are young and miracles happen!

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